is this enlightenment?
to discover the urgency of self-love to negate self-abandon?
to know the pain of too much love?
bound-less love (I thought)
boundary-less (you say)
to feel the waves of anxiety, nausea
rise
rise
rise
knowing that this too is transient
seeking solace in the impermanence of all things
is this enlightenment?
to sink into the depths of hopelessness and despair
but somehow not drown
to love someone with every fibre of your being
without the expectation of reciprocity
to weave a tapestry from which new narratives may emerge?
is this enlightenment?
to meet once again the little girl with Big questions that no-one would answer
“not now!” they chided
her untrimmed fringe concealing those large, enquiring imploring eyes
those eyes that held pools of fear, even then – at five, six
terrified at the sheer vastness of it all – the unending infinity of the universe
“not now!” they chided
and into silence she was cast
is this enlightenment?
to embrace that terrified little girl who walked around
dragging an Ancient Heaviness that was not hers to carry
her inheritance
her own branded Trans Generational Transmitted Trauma
is this enlightenment?
to tell her that this Darkness she was born into
(they told her the lights went out at the time of her Birth)
is illuminated if you open wide enough to see, listen, feel
to tell her that she is worthy
and not the burden she has always felt she was (but the carrier of the Burden)
is this enlightenment?
to watch this body constantly change, knowing that it too is merely a conduit
a temporary residence for your soul
and to gawk, at once, at both its enduring strength and palpable fragility
is this enlightenment?
to stop striving just for a while
to relinquish effort and the notion of painful gain
to stop trying to mend broken things
is this enlightenment?
to dust the remnants of the dark night from heavy eye-lids that chased sleep in vain
to emerge bleary-eyed
disrobing the layers and layers of
guilt, self-loathing, shame, confusion, worry
to part the curtain and be met with nothing less than a spectacular display of Nature conducting her symphony, with or without your presence
to be moved to tears that distort your vision
this surreal sacred mountain that towers before you
shrouded in layers of mist
the black sky draped over her
pierced by dazzling stars that seem to shine brighter
and Sister Moon smiling over this arrangement
illuminating silhouetted figures in the dark as she slowly descends
but not before greeting the Splendid Sun rising on the other side
day and night simultaneously beginning and ending
how does one recover form the sheer poetry of that?!
is this enlightenment?
to accept the duality of the universe
the dark with the light
the light with the shadows
the joy with the sorrow
the pain with the pleasure
to know that This is life
in all its multitude of visceral experience
life is a mountain, a tree, an ant
this is life
with all that has been
all that is
and all that is yet to be
is this enlightenment?
Ayesha Sabat
Dharmagiri Sacred Mountain Retreat, September 2018
© Ayesha Sabat